Joe's Pizza: Broomall, PA

Name: Joe's Pizza
Website: (none)
Type: Restaurant
Location: Broomall, PA
Occupancy: Multiple
Porcelain: Two toilets, two urinals

Joe's is one of the few hidden gems in Broomall. It's "diner style" in the sense that you can get just about anything there, and most of it is pretty good (although, the wings use this really creepy sauce, don't get them). They make a surprisingly good grilled cheese, and their hoagies are one of the only places that stay away from "really tough roll syndrome". Alright then, what about the "head"?

Cleanliness
This bathroom was plain old NOT clean. I had to use the second stall, as the first one was ... clogged. Puddles galore on the ground, too. Yuck.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Privacy
It's a mixed bag looking for privacy here. On one hand, Joe's uses the rare "double door" method, which is an amazing way to really stay separate from where people are eating. On the other hand, the urinals have absolutely NO protection around them, are right next to the sink (we're talking inches), and are visible immediately when you open the second door. Gonna have to go middle-of-the-road.
Result: NO DECISION (0.5 points)

Flushing
The flushing worked, which is a good thing. The clogged stall appeared to have a paper towel in the toilet, so I can't really fault the owners for the issue.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Dryers
People have to learn that paper towels are not enough. This place uses a really strange "crank" dispenser, which I find frustrating and gross. It's bad enough using a lever dispenser that everyone has touched, but at least you can work that with your elbow or something. They also have a perpetually empty "pull down from this tiny hole" dispenser in the wall.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Mirrors
One lame, tiny mirror that shows everyone who comes in everything else in the bathroom. Completely stupid.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Music
I think music is asking too much out of such a humble place, but unfortunately that still means zip/zero/zilch.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Reviewer Tilt
And now, for the most fun I have ever had giving Tilt points. The soap dispenser in here was ... wait for it ... an AUNT JEMIMA BOTTLE! WHAT?! This really isn't a good thing persay, but I laughed so hard that I had to mention it and have a little mercy.
Result: 0.5 points

Score: 2.0 out of 7 (28.6%)

What This Means For You: Sorry Joe's, but I just can't recommend your bathroom to people. Everyone should know, though, that this rest room used to be substantially MORE gross. Too bad they haven't made the right kinds of improvements. The food is still great, and the restaurant itself is clean and pleasant, but definitely hold it until you get home.

J.D. McGillicuddy's: Ardmore, PA

Name: J.D. McGillicuddy's
Website: http://www.jdmcgillicuddys.com/locations/ardmore.php
Type: Bar
Location: Ardmore, PA
Occupancy: Multiple
Porcelain: One toilet, one "urinal"

"Cuddy's" is a favorite bar for me and my friends. We have taken over many a Tuesday night with our horrible karaoke abilities. It's a really chill place, and one of the few places I know that actually springs for TRUE HD CABLE on EACH of their HDTVs. So, what's the story with the bathroom? Spoiler alert: it is terrible.

Cleanliness
Really? You can't even keep it clean? This bathroom is messy, gross, and smells like piss. Not looking good so far.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Privacy
This is where I really get peeved. You walk into the closet-sized bathroom, and there is a toilet to your right, and a TROUGH to your left. Not only do you have no privacy for when you really have to go, but the "urinal" is basically a bunch of guys pissing into the same hole. Add on to that the fact that the window is wide open to the adjacent building and that the door DOES NOT HAVE A LOCK ON IT, and you're looking at the worst-case scenario for a bathroom. SHAME ON YOU.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Flushing
The toilet flushes fine, but the flush on the trough is basically running a light stream of water over a giant gross bowl. No decision.
Result: NO DECISION (0.5 points)

Dryers
By some mercy of the lord above, Cuddy's at LEAST decided to use paper towels. They are pretty convenient and there is a not-awful trash can.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Mirrors
Really tiny mugshot mirror over the sink, and if you look in it, you are standing pretty much ON the door. You can't even see if you spilled mustard on your shirt.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Music
The only time you're getting "overhead music" is when the karaoke or DJ are so loud that you can't hear anyone anyway. Nothing extra in the bathrooms, so nothing extra in the point column either.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Reviewer Tilt
Not only is there no extraneous upside to this bathroom ... oh no, that's not enough. I am considering this category "Privacy Pt. II" for Cuddy's, and penalizing an entire extra point for the stupid nonsense they have going on.
Result: no points

Score: 1.5 out of 7 (21.4%)

What This Means For You: This is the worst bathroom that I have reviewed for Commode Node thus far. The epic combination of NEGATIVE privacy and the smell of a barn make this a truly revolting experience. Here's a true story for you: I once got bartender permission to use the GIRLS bathroom so I could avoid the disaster zone they're trying to pass for a mens room here. NOT. RECOMMENDED.

Hershey Farm Restaurant & Inn: Ronks, PA

Name: Hershey Farm Restaurant & Inn
Website: http://www.hersheyfarm.com/
Type: Restaurant
Location: Ronks, PA
Occupancy: Multiple
Porcelain: Two toilets, two urinals

Hershey Farm is located in Pennsylvania's Dutch Country, out in the middle on Lancaster. The restaurant's appeal is their acclaimed buffet-style dining hall. The fried chicken in particular is quite good, and the overall price is definitely reasonable. So, the Amish can do food ... can they do bathrooms?

Cleanliness
Talk about getting off to a bad start ... this bathroom was MESSY. Trash cans were overflowing, seats were not clean, the floor was stained and gross ... really not the kind of atmosphere you like to be in for even a minute.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Privacy
I used this bathroom twice, and both times I felt decently "hidden". The bathrooms are located in their own little corner of the establishment. The door makes a weird knocking sound when it shuts, making you thinking there's someone coming in when there actually isn't, but it wasn't overly distracting.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Flushing
The normal flushing mechanisms are present here. This was far from my biggest concern in this place, as you will see.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Dryers
Okay, so they use paper towels. Hooray! But wait ... there are TWO dispensers, and the one next to the sink is EMPTY. I spent so long looking at the dispenser for a manual release that I didn't even seen the far away (and completely inferior) second one. Also, the trash cans were awful, with unspeakable horrors contained within. Empty towels are one thing, but deliberately confusing your customers? Grounds for dismissal.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Mirrors
Really tiny mirror by the sink? Check. Tons of wasted wall space that could be used for a tilted mirror? Check. Pissed off at this? Check.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Music
The only sounds in this joint were the weird door knocking and the occasional ... weirdness ... from the stall next to me.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Reviewer Tilt
I was so put off by the double paper towel debacle, in addition to the terrible condition this bathroom was in the second time (only 30 minutes later), that I am using my tilt section to punish them with another goose egg. Thanks for nothing.
Result: no points

Score: 2.0 out of 7 (28.6%)

What This Means For You: It's a shame that such a great dining experience is tainted by a horrible bathroom. Even just an "hourly checklist" posted would be comforting, regardless of how recently it was filled out. However, with little cardboard signs pointed you towards the bathroom from any given room, it feels like an afterthought. Any place that has two different Rubik's Cube towel dispensers (in addition to not keeping them stocked) will be put on the black list for me. Step up your game, Hershey.

Regal Cinemas: Edgemont, PA

Name: Regal Cinemas
Website: http://www.fandango.com/regaledgmontsquare10_aaebq/theaterpage?wssac=58&wssaffid=11481_REGWebsite
Type: Movie Theater
Location: Edgemont, PA
Occupancy: Multiple
Porcelain: One toilet, one urinal

Regal Cinemas opened quite awhile ago, and I still remember my first movie experience there. I thought it looked like a giant space station, and I had never been in stadium seating (for a film) before. To this day, Regal is by far the nicest theater in my neck of the woods (the UA in King of Prussia is better, but it takes upwards of a half hour to get there). A movie theater is hard to keep clean ... could they at least get the bathroom right? Let's find out.

Cleanliness
The first thing I noticed was urine all over the toilet seat of the stall I went into. However, I know this to be the fault of the kid who was there right before me, so I really can't fault the staff for it. However, it also smelled awful, and there were puddles EVERYWHERE. Not a very good start.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Privacy
The bathroom I used is directly connect to the "walk here and find your theater" hallway. The stall is deep enough to give you some protection against wandering eyes, but the urinal is IMMEDIATELY next to it. Also, there is always a line when you only have two receptacles, and you end up crowding around the urinal and sink. Sorry folks.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Flushing
The flushing was blissfully normal. At least something was right.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Dryers
AIR DRYERS. COME ON. Air dryers are the worst invention of all time. Plus, there is a giant trash can near the door. Why is the can there if there aren't any paper towels to throw in it? And yet somehow, it was still more than half full.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Mirrors
In a surprising turn of events, the mirrors were excellent. A giant wide mirror over the sinks, and a tilted mirror on the opposite wall for checking out your shoes and whatnot. Amazing!
Result: PASS (1 point)

Music
No overhead music or sounds to be heard. This is especially annoying since there tend to be several people in the bathroom at the same time (unless you're an insane person who leaves a show halfway through to take a pee). Frustrating.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Reviewer Tilt
Sorry Regal, you get no Tilt points today. The bathroom experience was just not enjoyable at all.
Result: no points

Score: 2.0 out of 7 (28.6%)

What This Means For You: This bathroom is good for one thing: getting your business done before you head home from a movie. I wish I had gone at home or at dinner so that I wouldn't have had to put up with this nonsense. NOT RECOMMENDED.

Kildare's: West Chester, PA

Name: Kildare's
Website: http://www.kildarespub.com/main.htm
Type: Restaurant
Location: West Chester, PA
Occupancy: Multiple
Porcelain: One toilet, two urinals

Kildare's is a Philly franchise of Irish pubs. There are a few within driving distance, and they're always a fun time. The night life is actually pretty substantial, which is surprising for such a nice and calm-ish restaurant. Today I ate their "European Union burger" which was pretty damn tasty. Okay, on to the real business.

Cleanliness
The bathroom is fairly clean, although the floors were wet and the trash can was overflowing. It certainly didn't scream "highway rest stop cesspool", but I wouldn't eat a dinner off of the floor either. This is a no-contest to me.
Result: NO DECISION (0.5 points)

Privacy
Here is where the problems begin. First of all, the door opens directly into the space of whoever is using the sink. The two urinals are pretty wide-open, with the urinals themselves extending less than you might expect (and no dividers in between). The door of the stall shows too much detail as well. If you work for the CIA, this is not where you want to conduct any sort of meeting.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Flushing
I only used the urinal, but that was all I needed to be completely skeeved. In the grand tradition of the 18th century, the urinals DO NOT FLUSH. Instead they are angled downward "enough" to drain whatever you're dispensing. I don't care if the stall had a scientific revolution of flushing technology, these urinals are awful. Also, the urinal cakes somehow smelled WORSE than a normal bathroom does.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Dryers
Okay, Kildare's did do one thing extremely well. The soap AND towel dispensers were both wave-motion-activated, and the trash can was right next to both the sink and the door. Quite a great example of how this sort of thing should work.
Result: PASS (1 point)

Mirrors
NO MIRRORS. NO. MIRRORS. Are you kidding me, guys? There wasn't even a reflective surface to be found. I wish I could give negative points here.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Music
On the plus side, the bathroom is fairly close to the speaker/DJ system, so you get a lot of incidental noise masking the very presence of the john. On the minus side, NO OVERHEAD MUSIC.
Result: FAIL (no points)

Reviewer Tilt
I have to be fair here; the decor was very nice in this bathroom. Interesting signs highlighted both cool beer logos and Irish history. If this were a cleaner and/or bigger bathroom, the atmosphere would be a great plus. As it stands, it simply saves it from being a true dumpster.
Result: .5 points

Score: 2.0 out of 7 (28.6%)

What This Means For You: If I had to give a quick summary, this bathroom is like putting a delicious chocolate icing on top of a gym sock sandwich. The design is completely backwards, and the lack of real flushing in the urinals makes it feel like a barn or something. Weird smells, a million paper towels in the trash, barely enough floor space to stand still ... someone missed the interior design train big-time. The signs on the wall were neat, but that doesn't make up for an extremely piss-poor (pun intended) effort. Definitely go to Kildare's for the food, but hold it on the ride home.